Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Journal Prompt--What did you want your life to be like?

Hi all,

I've been going through some of my Bloglovin' emails. Ever since my surgery last summer I've been trying to live my life less online and more in the "real world." However, every once in a while I still enjoy reading blogs and catching up with some of my favorite bloggers. Sometimes Sweet has been doing journal prompts, and I think it's a really cool idea. I'd like to do this one, so feel free to join along and send me a link to your post!

Here's the prompt she gave:

 "Think about the plans you had for your adult self when you were younger- would you say they match up to your reality today? What did you wish for your future when you were a child? Did you have a plan? And would you say you've followed that plan in any way? This week, look at the life you hoped to have (even if you consider your childhood "dreams" silly now) and see how your current life compares."

When I was in my teens I really wanted to grow up and own/run a flower shop with my best friends Kira and Laura. I hoped we could all be close, like the ladies on Sex and the City. This wasn't a very realistic goal, because Kira and Laura didn't even like each other! However, boys hadn't really come into the scene yet so we all made nice and had tons of fun together. This was my freshman year of high school, and I was terrible at school.

Kira, Me and Laura

As the years went by Laura and I had different friend circles but Kira and I stayed close. We did a lot of partying, so I really just wanted to party and didn't have many life goals. I guess I just wanted to be pretty and have fun. In fact, I can remember having conversations with Kira that we might as well die when we turn thirty because we would be so old and ugly (all the LOLs).

As a child, I just wanted to grow up and be like Cindy Crawford or Madonna in her Blonde Ambition phase. However, all the kids told me how hideous and fat I was (I had all the bullies) so I pretty much knew that wasn't going to happen.

I never was the kind of girl who dreamed of her wedding. I didn't care about getting married. I didn't really think about having a family, or a house. I guess I wasn't a long term thinker at all, really. I figured you had fun until you died.

So my current life:

I am married. I got married when I was 19 and I'm now 32. I have a 13 year old son. I work at a college. I'm not hideous but I'm certainly not a hot 17 year old anymore. I worry about the future. I still would like to be as beautiful as Cindy Crawford or Madonna. I would still like to own a flower shop with Kira and Laura. Kira and Laura still don't like each other. I don't get to spend much time with my friends, and when I think of the future I envisioned for all of us, it seems like a Lifetime movie. It still sounds like fun, but I know too much about the real world to think it would ever really happen.

I like my life, and I actually really enjoy being married. Sometimes I think the reason I enjoy it is because I didn't sit around when I was a kid thinking of how great and perfect it would be. My husband and I really love each other, but no marriage is perfect. I also never sat around as a kid yearning to be a mom, but I've really loved being a mom. I only had one child, and now that he's a teen I do get quite lonely. I sat around my twenties being a good mom, so now that I'm in my thirties I have a bit more freedom, and it's been pretty fun.

My family

I think the life I hoped for was pretty cute. I wanted a flower shop, and to always be with my friends. I wanted to be pretty and have fun. I didn't worry about stuff. I guess the real world has a way with changing any plans we have for ourselves.

I'm very proud to be a college graduate with a  Bachelor's in Journalism. I love my job working at a college and I'm actually hoping to get a different position soon.

I guess the one thing I miss about the person I was supposed to be is not worrying as much. I need to take a lesson from my old self and stop stressing out. Because according to her, I should already be dead by now. (hahahah).


Having a fun summer!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

When visiting the hospital...oh the memories.

One of my close friends from high school had a baby last night. I am so happy for her, and all day at work I've been thinking about how I can't wait to visit. I'm going to the gift shop at the hospital, and I hope I can find just the right thing to bring. As I've gotten older I really love to shop for gifts for people.

Anyways, all this thinking about visiting people who've had babies made me think of my own hospital stay. I think when we see things happen to other people we can't help but remember our own experiences, and I wanted to jot my memories down before they leave my mind again for who knows how long.

The one person I remember/cherish most visiting me at the hospital after I had Gabe was my dad. I couldn't always count on my dad being there for me, and by the time I had Gabe at 18 I had gotten used to it. I love my dad very much, and I don't judge him, but he didn't come to my high school graduation the few months before Gabe's birth, so I didn't really think he would visit me in the hospital, but he did.

Dad even wore a sport coat, like a blazer. He was dressed up and looked so handsome. It's so funny to think about, when I had Gabe my dad was 41...younger than my husband is today! I remember he told me, "Thanks a lot, I'm too young to be a grandpa!" He brought me a card, one of those new baby cards, and of course I still have it in a folder somewhere.

I go through periods of being really angry with my dad or missing him. I'm sad to think that if I have more kids, or when Lauren and Morgan have kids, he won't be here to visit. He's missing out on so much. So I really cherish that he visited me, because it's something that can never happen again. I really appreciated the effort he put forth. I'm so glad he came to see me.

It just goes to show we can remember things from before digital cameras. I have no photos of my dad holding Gabe or visiting me, but I can see it in my mind and it's a really good memory.

One of the other people who came to see me was Courtney, the one who had a baby last night! She thought that Gabe was the perfect baby, and she held him for hours! She had these big pink fake nails on, it's so funny looking at the pictures. Courtney always had my back when I was pregnant and when Gabe was a baby, and I really appreciated it. I hope I can return the favor, even though it seems like all us friends are so busy we never get to spend time together. I will just have to show up at her house randomly, lol!

Also, of course, Rolanda came to see me with her new baby in tow. I even have a picture of them getting held up side by side. She was with her husband and they stayed and chatted a while.

My mom's best friend Mary came to see me too, she was always very supportive. Her kids would never do something like have a baby at 18, but she didn't act judgy or anything. I'm telling you, in the year 2000 having a baby at 17/18 was kind of a taboo. There was no "Teen Mom" yet!

My future sister-in-law Stephanie also came to see me and give me support. She held the baby for a long time too. You can always count on Stephanie to be there for you when you need it. She will literally give someone the shirt off her back and go around topless. That whore. (We call each other whores, sorry.)

Last but not least Kira was there the entire time practically. She was my birthing assistant while my mom slept in a chair. She watched me get an episiotomy. She literally turned green. Med students came in and watched the birth and she made fun of me about it. She told the nurse not to switch my baby. Kira was everything.

This is the only photo I could find on Facebook, but there are others.

My poor grandmom and granddad didn't get to come see me, and it was very sad. Granddad went into the hospital the day I gave birth. He was having serious health problems and died a month later.

My granddad was always trying to keep death at bay. His health wasn't great, but he would try so hard not to die before my milestones. He was so honest and blunt, he would tell me, "Tiffany, I'm not going to die until I see you graduate from high school." Well I graduated pregnant and he was still proud. There was nothing I could do that would make granddad look down on me, he really loved me that much. So then he said, "Tiffany, I'm not going to die until you have that baby." Well he managed that too. Granddad was so thoughtful and so wonderful. And he is so very very missed.

I have been very lucky to have good people in my life. I hope I didn't leave anyone out that came to see me. You used to have to stay THREE days in the hospital. The last day was pure hell I just cried all day I wanted to go home so bad. I had a lot of help and support from my mom and Steve. They were totally my rocks, my ground to stand on. They provided me with a  home for myself and Gabriel until we moved in with Chris. My mom is a really good person (duh) and Steve was too. I really miss Steve, it seems like he's been dead for 20 years, not 6. The kids (Stevie, Summer and Eric) have always been Gabe's unofficial siblings, less like aunts and uncles and more like a brother and sisters. They have helped watch him over the years, and they've been a big part of his life. They were very excited when baby Gabe came home!

I can't believe Gabe is only 13, because all of this seemed like it happened a lifetime ago. It feels like it happened to someone else, like I watched it in a movie. Am I even the same person anymore?

Whenever babies are born it is a very happy occasion, and I feel sad too but not in a bad way, just a sentimental way. In a very "these are the days of our lives" way.

Life goes by so fast!